Five Challenges Couples Face in Retirement
Navigating the transition from working full-time to retirement can be difficult for everyone. However, couples face additional challenges that the single retiree doesn’t even consider.
One of the symptoms of these challenges is the increase in gray divorce. If you have not heard about gray divorce, it is a divorce that occurs after the age of 50, following a long marriage.
According to a USA Today article, the divorce rate for people over the age of 55 has doubled since 1990.
In this article, I will identify the unique challenges that couples face as they enter retirement.
Adjusting to increased time together
This was one of my biggest concerns after deciding to retire in 2021. Even though my life as an insurance agent has not changed very much, our time together has. Before COVID-19, I would leave the house every morning and head to my office. I would then return home around 5:30.
Throughout COVID-19, I kept my office. But when we left North Carolina, we found ourselves together 24 hours a day. Spending all that time together was both a joy and a challenge for us. The challenges were especially obvious since we lived in one-bedroom units, which was even more of a challenge during the annual Medicare Open Enrollment.
I know we were very fortunate and quickly found a new balance. But not all couples are as lucky.
My recommendation is to discuss the possibilities before retiring. If you have already retired and find that all the time together is stressful, be patient. It is important to share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with each other. Regular, honest communication can help you both understand and support each other better.
One of the big challenges we faced was that I did not have any hobbies or outside activities beyond my work. After July 2021, I suddenly had hours to fill. Our solution was to create new routines. Some of those routines were done together, such as taking bridge lessons, while others were done separately.
Financial concerns
Like adjusting to time together, this was a huge stressor for me. My insurance business in North Carolina relied on financial advisors referring their clients to me. I knew that once we left North Carolina, they would soon stop sending clients, which would result in a decrease in income.
In addition, as I have written about before, we would be entering retirement on a shoestring income. For many reasons, our retirement savings were far less than optimal. Before March 2021, I did not spend any energy tracking our income and expenses, resulting in not knowing what we spent in a month. That changed in March 2021. During our three months in Mazatlan, I tracked everything. So, when we decided to retire in July 2021, I knew to the penny how much we spent every month.
Because I knew exactly how much our lifestyle cost, I knew what we had to do to create the life we wanted. From the moment we decided to leave North Carolina, we agreed on the plan we would follow. As luck would have it, my Medicare business began to grow after we settled in Mexico. That additional income, combined with our downsized life, allowed us to have a lot of fun and see our savings grow at the same time.
But not every couple sees finances through the same lens. There may be disagreements about how much to spend, how to invest money, and more. There may even be disagreements about when to take Social Security.
Health issues
If you haven’t considered health issues, I strongly suggest you spend some time talking with your spouse or significant other. Whether we want to face it or not, aging increases our chance of developing a chronic health condition.
According to the National Council on Aging, 94.9% of people aged 60 and older will deal with at least one chronic condition, and 78.7% will deal with two or more conditions. Chronic conditions can include diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, and hypertension.
After being healthy all your life so far, having your spouse/partner suddenly develop a limiting condition can put stress on your relationship.
My wife and I have experienced this first-hand. First, in the fall of 2021, my wife developed an unexplained cough. By the summer of 2022, the cough was beginning to interfere with our life in Mexico. Luckily, a doctor in Mazatlán discovered the problem, and after surgery to correct a hiatal hernia, life returned to normal.
We were excited to get back on track in 2023. We had our residency in Mexico and were ready to travel around the country. But soon, walking became a problem for me. I had developed lumbar spinal stenosis, and surgery was scheduled for May 30, 2023. We were sure that by August, we would be back in Mexico and back on track. Wrong!
A second surgery and follow-up took us through November 2023. The new plan had us spending January through April in our home in Green Valley, Arizona, and then getting back into travel.
And then, my wife was diagnosed with myxofibrosarcoma, a rare soft tissue cancer. We now know that all activities will be on hold between radiation treatment, surgery, and physical therapy until sometime in 2025.
Since 2021, spending time together has strengthened our relationship. We are attacking this as a team, but others may not be so fortunate.
Some other health issues related to aging that can impact a relationship are mental health issues, cognitive decline, including dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, and mobility issues such as joint pain, muscle weakness, and balance problems can affect mobility, making it harder to perform daily activities.
Identity and role changes
Retirement can lead to changes in how individuals see themselves and their roles within the relationship. Prior to retirement, one person may have had his/her identity wrapped up in his/her career. Overnight, there is a loss of identity. And then there are the household roles.
My wife quit working as a nurse around the year 2000. For the next 20 years, I came home to a cooked dinner and a clean house. Plus, I never had to worry about clean clothes. In exchange, my wife did not have to worry about our income (until 2012). But after July 2021, I no longer went to the office or to networking events. Suddenly, all household chores had to be on the table.
In our case, we approached all household chores as a team sport. But for many couples, this can be a source of tension. Especially for people who are tied to more traditional roles.
Different retirement goals
This can show itself in several different ways, leading to conflict.
One of the most common challenges occurs when spouses/partners retire at different times. When one spouse wants to retire while the other is happy to continue working, or worse when one spouse has no desire to retire.
As I have already pointed out, my wife quit working around the year 2000. At the time, she was 54, and it was more about taking a break than it was about retirement. Nonetheless, she never returned to work.
At the same time, I had no desire to even think about retiring. When people asked me when I planned to retire, I explained that I had nothing to retire from. Working as an insurance agent never felt like work to me. Plus I was also a paid sales trainer, motivational speaker, and personal and business coach. It was all fun and never felt like work.
A problem exists when one spouse wants to travel (preferably with the other spouse), and the other spouse doesn’t even want to retire. This was sort of the problem my wife and I faced in June 2021. After three months in Mazatlán, Mexico, my wife wanted to return to North Carolina and sell everything. Then we would move to Mazatlán, and I would retire.
After talking it through, I decided to move forward with her plan, even though retirement was never a goal of mine. And despite my financial concerns.
Then, there are different financial goals for retirement. One spouse may want to be frugal, while the other wants to relax and spend money on retirement fun and games.
One spouse may want to spend everything and die with nothing left in savings, while the other wants to leave a financial legacy for the children and grandchildren.
Even how money is invested can be a source of stress. One person may be risk-averse, while the other remains more aggressive.
Finally, there are housing decisions. This can include deciding whether to downsize, whether and where to relocate, or stay in the current home. I have met people where one spouse wanted to move to a different state with lower costs, while the other had always dreamed of being the nearby grandparent.
Conclusion
There can be no argument that people can change over time — and perhaps they should. But during the working years, it can be easy to miss the changes in yourself or in your spouse/partner. Between working, taking the kids to their events, saving for the children’s college, and planning your retirement, life can seem too busy to take the time to talk about these things.
The easy answer is to talk about these things throughout your life together and long before you reach retirement. And if you haven’t found the time to talk about these things before, you must make time as you approach retirement.
If you have retired and are just now discovering that you do not share a common view of retirement, take the time to see if there is any common ground.
You can navigate these challenges, but they will require open communication and a willingness to compromise. By finding compromise, you may also discover that retirement is even more enjoyable than you thought it would be.
There is no doubt that many couples can enjoy a fulfilling retirement together.
